


The Reject Pile

by shinysparks



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006)
Genre: Crack, Drama, F/M, M/M, Randomness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 17:51:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1109811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random characters, random scenes from fics I will likely never finish...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reject Pile

**Author's Note:**

> It's the end of the year and I've decided to clean up my hard drive in an effort to start 2014 with a clean slate. In doing so, 
> 
> I've run across a few unfinished fics that I will probably never return to; however, rather than waste all the time, I decided to post the bits I've found here. They're mostly just little scenes here and there - think of them as being like outtakes or something. There's a little Guy/Robs, Guy/Marian, and some from the POV's of both Tuck and Will (actually, the Will one is complete; I'd used it for a landcomm and then never posted it elsewhere.)
> 
> Hope you like!

**Guy/Robin; mpreg.**

"Men cannot have babies!" Guy roared, his gray eyes wide with horror, as he stood next to the table in Locksley Manor. He gazed over at Robin, who reclined lazily in one of his chairs, his belly large and swollen.

"Then how do you explain this?" Robin replied cooly, motioning to his stomach.  
"Obviously, I have been leaving the door to the food stores unlocked for far too long." Replied Guy, his hands on his hips.  
"Very funny." Robin scoffed, rolling his eyes. "But I've been to a midwife, Guy. I am with child."

Guy blinked.

"Which midwife?" He asked.  
"Matilda." Robin replied.  
"Merde." Guy spat. _Of course it had to be the best midwife in the shire._ He thought. He then took a deep breath. "She could be wrong."  
"The only think Matilda has ever been wrong about was the sex of a child, and even that's rare." Robin said, shaking his head. "She delivered me, and Much, and Will, and your sister and even removed your tail."

Guy's eyes grew large as his face flushed bright red. He absentmindly scratched his lower back.

"You were sworn to secrecy! No one is to know about... _that_!" Guy bellowed, staring Robin down dangerously.

Robin sighed.

"My point is, she knows everything there is to know about babies. If she says I'm with child, then I'm with child, Guy!"

Guy stared at Robin for a moment, his lip beginning to wibble furiously as the realization hit him. He was going to be a father. With _Robin_.

"I need a drink." Guy moaned, hanging his head and massaging the bridge of his nose with his gloved hand.  
"No you don't. That's what got us into this mess!" Replied Robin.  
"No, what got us into this mess was that damned Saracen aphrodiasiac you brought back from the Holy Land." Guy said, eyeing him dangerously.  
"Don't say it." Robin groaned. "Please."  
"All. Your. Fault." Growled Guy. "Completely."  
"How was I to know it would do _this?!_ " Yelled Robin.  
"It said it right on the label!" Guy yelled back. "Do not use under the light of a full moon and mix with alcohol, as pregnancy will be ensured!"  
"I'm a guy and you're a guy, Guy! I didn't think pregnancy would be an issue for us!" Robin pleaded, before suddenly stopping as he felt his pants become wet. He froze in terror, looking down at the puddle that was forming beneath him on the floor. _No. Not now._ He thought to himself.

"I thought you were housebroken, Hood." Guy shook his head, listening to the tinkle coming from Robin.  
"I think my water just broke."  
"I think you're a racehorse." Guy replied, watching the ever-growing puddle below his love.  
"Guy!" Robin growled, his eyes full of fear. "This means the baby is coming!"  
"What? Now?!"  
"Yes, now!"

Guy looked Robin up and down, twice checking his face for seriousness, before dropping them down to Robin's huge belly, and then his manly parts.

"So..." Guy began, still staring. "How do we... get it out?"  
"I don't know!" Robin yelled, his voice full of panic.

Guy touched his thumb to his thin lips, still deep in thought.

"The back door." He then said. "It's the only way, and after all we've done these past few months, the path should be more than sufficently... _widened._ "

Robin scoffed. "Don't flatter yourself, Guy. You're not _that_ big."

***

**Guy and Robin discuss Seth**

"Damn it, Hood!" Guy breathed through gritted teeth. "I am not a baby-killer!"  
"Then how do you explain Seth ending up in the forest?!" Robin shot back, folding his arms. "Well?"  
"I..." Guy paused, suddenly taking an interest in his feet. "...had to pee."  
"What?!"  
"I had to pee!" Exclaimed Guy. "We were taking the baby to Kirkless Abbey _as I promised_ , when I stopped to take a piss. I set the baby down on the ground and walked into the woods to do my business. When I came back, the baby was gone."

Robin stared at him for a moment.

"You expect me to believe that?!"  
"It's the truth!" Guy pleaded. "I went to pee. When I came back, you and your gang had found the baby! What would you have me do? There was more of you than there was of me!"  
"You had guards." Robin said dryly.  
"Yeah. Osgood the drunk and Narcoleptic Ned." Guy sighed. "They're human shields, not guards, Robin."

***

**Tuck's Calling**  
 _July 1188, Sussex._

When God spoke to Tuck, He did so at the worst possible moment.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!" Tuck panted, moaning between breaths as he and the voluptuous prostitute made sweet love together. It was the grand opening weekend of Sussex's "Ye Olde House of Tail," and Tuck had decided to partake of the action. He had had a wonderful week with his used carriage business, selling three rickety, old pieces of junk for three times their worth; thus, he thought he should reward his incredible ingenuity and shrewdness with a little sex that he didn't have to beg for.

"Tuck?" God said, in a calm, yet booming voice.  
"Wha..." Moaned Tuck, as the voice briefly caught his attention. He quickly shrugged it off, and continued on with his fun, sexy time.  
"Tuck?" God boomed again. "Tuck, Tuck, Tucksy, Tuck, TUCK?!"

Tuck continued to ignore the voice, giggling at his well-experienced partner as they contined their love-making.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Exclaimed God. "I've had it. Where's my 'smite' button?"

Suddenly, Tuck's body grew stiff and rigid, his eyes crossed and his face screwed up wildly. "NO! NOT NOW!" He squeaked, before collapsing into the bed, exhausted. His partner sighed, and rolled over onto the bed next to him.

"Well," She said, looking over at him, "That was the quickest and easiest money I've ever made."

***

**Guy/Marian; birthday**  
 _It was the 13th of May, 1235._

"Happy seventy-fifth birthday, my sweet love!" An elderly Marian told Guy as she smiled at him sweetly, gently caressing her hand across his wrinkled (but still quite handsome) face.

Guy stared at her blankly. "WHAT?!" He hollered at her loudly, cupping his hand around his right ear. In recent years, Guy had become quite hard of hearing.

"I SAID, HAPPY SEVENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY, MY SWEET LOVE!!" Marian yelled at him, trying her best to enunciate clearly.  
"WHAT?" Guy asked again, shaking his head and looking quite confused.  
"Oh, for crying out loud!" Said Marian, groaning. She then smirked at him playfully, grabbed onto the color of his black, leather vest and pulled him into a tender kiss.

Guy cracked a lop-sided grin as they lovingly smooched. Stealthily, he inched his hand down Marian's slightly humped over back until it came to rest on her bottom. He then squeezed her slightly sagging buttocks firmly, causing her to jump and giggle. As they broke from their sweet kiss, Guy and Marian smiled at each other passionately.

"SO," Guy began, his deep, baritone voice ringing out deafeningly. "WILL I BE GETTING MY USUAL BIRTHDAY PRESENT?"

Marian nodded, grinning from ear to ear. She then grabbed onto her white, linen blouse and ripped it open furiously. Tiny silver clasps flew in every direction, and Marian slowly pulled off her blouse and tossed it onto the floor.

"OH, MARIAN," Boomed Guy, cracking an uneven grin as he ogled her bare chest happily, "THEY'RE AS PERFECT AS THE DAY WE MARRIED!"

Marian looked down at her breasts, which were unfortunately sagging halfway to her belly button. She then looked up at Guy lovingly. "Your eyesight must be going as well, you poor dear!" She said.

"WHAT?" Thundered Guy.  
"NOTHING!" Marian yelled in reply. She smiled at him again, wrapped her arms around his neck and stared into his twinkling, gray eyes...

***

**Guy/Marian; rebuilding Knighton**  
"Ugh!" Guy grunted loudly as he lifted a heavy stone from off the ground. He staggered, carrying the heavy stone a few steps before he dropped it onto the short, stone wall he had been working on all morning. He wiped his sweaty brow with his arm, and stared up at the perfectly blue summer sky. It was barely noon, and he was already quite exhausted.

"Marian," He spoke, turning around to his wife, who reclined lazily in a small, open tent, sipping cool water from a goblet. "Explain to me again what I'm doing?"

"You're rebuilding Knighton Hall for us and our quickly growing family." She replied, rubbing the small bump on her stomach softly.  
"Yes, I know that. But why couldn't we have just stayed at Locksley Manor?"  
"Because that is Sir Robin's ancestral home, and as a show of goodwill, we gave it back to him out of the kindness of our hearts...and also to keep you from being hanged." She said, smiling at him coyly.  
"I thought being married to you kept me from the noose?"  
"It helped. The King did not want to leave me a widow, especially considering I am with child. However, Robin was still quite irate, so I offered him his home back if he would keep quiet about that business of you trying to kill King Richard."  
"And that worked?"  
"No, not really."  
"Then how am I still breathing?" Guy asked, as he walked over and poured himself a goblet of water from the pitcher.  
"I brought up that night in the forest when Robin and the newly appointed Earl of Bonchurch got very sloshed and spent the remainder of the evening trying on my clothes and kissing each other passionately."

Guy spit the water out of his mouth before succumbing to a fit of coughing.

"He nearly let us keep the manor over that one." Marian giggled.  
"I take it that is also why the Earl of Bonchurch has so graciously allowed us to live in his home while we rebuild ours?"  
"Partially. Much has always been a kindly man, though."

Guy nodded in agreement. Much had been especially kind to them, which was incredibly odd given that Guy had spent the last several years trying to kill him, maim him or otherwise make his life a living hell. He took another drink of the water, and then sighed heavily.

"I still can't believe I'm back to where I started, though. No land, no power, almost no money."  
"You have me," Marian smiled at him, "And you weren't tortured and hanged with the Sheriff and the rest of the Black Knights."  
"That's true."  
"Besides, as the husband of the sole heir of Knighton, you have all of my land and holdings." Marian said. She smirked mischieviously, and continued: "You would've had a large house to go with it, but if I recall, some tempermental jackass in black leather burned it to the ground."  
"After you left me at the altar!" Guy retorted.  
"After you tried to trick me into marrying you!"  
"You hit me and knocked me to the ground."  
"You deserved it!"  
"It embarrassed me!"  
"And so, in return, you get a little torch happy and burn my home to the ground?!"  
"It seemed like a good idea at the time, yes."  
"And now that you're rebuilding it stone by stone?"  
"Not so much, really."

Guy sighed, shaking his head.

"Of all the horrible things I've done to you, Marian, why did you marry me?"  
"You have a nice arse." She replied, matter-of-factly...

***

**Guy becomes a father**  
He hadn't the faintest clue how to be a father.

As Guy of Gisborne stared at his newborn son in his arms, he felt a strong sense of panic rise within him. He had hoped that over the nine months of Marian's pregnancy, such panic might subside. But, no, it was still as strong as the day his beloved whispered "I'm pregnant" in his ear as they consummating their marriage for the thirty-seventh time in the barn outside of Clun.

"Merde." He cursed, echoing the same word he'd said back then.

It wasn't entirely his fault, of course (the fatherhood worries, not the knocking Marian up. That was totally his fault.) His own father had run off to the Holy Land when he was but a boy, and had briefly returned not long before his sixteenth birthday, only to die suddenly in a fire. He then thought about Robin's father, Sir Malcolm, who had certainly had a hand in his upbringing ( _or more frequently, a hand up mother's dress._ Guy thought.) Guy groaned, remembering how much he'd despised the annoying vulture and how little he'd learned from him. Sure, if Guy needed to learn how to set his sights on the wife of another, move himself in and wreck a home, Sir Malcolm was the best teacher ever. But as an ideal father figure? Not so much.

He sighed, sitting back and rocking his newborn son and rubbing the bare spot on his head where Marian had yanked out his hair during a particularly bad contraction. He then rubbed the bright red palm print that adorned his face - a gift from the midwife, Matilda, after she'd yelled at him for not being calm and soothing. _It's hard to be calm when Marian was grabbing onto my privates and twisting and screaming "YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU SHITSTAIN!"_ He mused, eyeing his sleeping son. The tiny boy was adorable and handsome, favoring his father, but with his mother's brown hair. Guy smiled at him.

"Maybe it'll be alright," He whispered to his son. "Maybe I can figure this out."

Opening his big, gray eyes, the boy stared up at Guy, cooed for a second before frowning. Suddenly, Guy caught a whiff of something that smelled terribly foul, and felt a strange dampness seeping through the blanket and into the black linen shirt he wore. He jumped out of the chair, holding the baby out away from him, then back, then out, then back. He danced in his place, not quite knowing what to do.

"MERDE!!" Guy screamed, causing his son to scream as well.

"Literally." Allan chuckled, He took the baby from his master, changed the boy's diaper and wrapped him up tightly in the new blanket. He then handed the baby back to Guy, who was still wide-eyed and shaking. Gently, he cradled the boy 

"I'm not being funny," Allan began, "but you do know not to abandon this one in the forest like you did the last one, right?"

"Shut up, Allan." Guy groaned. They were never going to let him live _THAT_ down...

***

**A fox in the henhouse...**  
Will Scarlett would kill him if he gave him a reason.

He hovered over Djaq protectively, gripping the dagger in his belt so tightly his fingers were going numb. He stared without blinking at her patient, who was tied to the bunk, unconscious. He didn't like this, not one bit. In fact, he had protested nearly as loud as Robin did when Marian and Allan brought newest "outlaw" to the camp, bleeding heavily and barely breathing. Will sighed, shaking his head. Two mornings ago, everything that could possibly gone wrong had done so.

The Nightwatchman - Marian - had been captured and unmasked before the Sheriff. Gleefully, the Sheriff had ordered her immediate execution by hanging, drawing and quartering. It would be a gruesome death, one ill-befitting a woman of her stature; however, the Sheriff had a plan. If he executed her publicly in such a manner, the other nobles would go into a rage, but in private? That was completely different. In private, there would be no complaints from anyone, and there was little chance of escape or rescue if no one knew. And so, the Sheriff ordered the castle sealed - no one in, no one out - and put all of the guards on high alert as he sent for the executioner.

They couldn't have saved her. They didn't even know. Allan had tried to warn them, but the Sheriff's blockade of every exit - known or secret - had prevented his escape. Even if the former outlaw had managed, Robin and the gang had spent the entire morning making deliveries in Nettlestone, far, far away from the castle. It was completely hopeless. Marian was going to die...

...Or at least she would have, had she not found an unlikely savior in Guy of Gisborne.

The dog with two masters had finally made his choice, choosing love over power and glory. Will scoffed. Of all the things to make Gisborne see the error of his ways, it had to be the love of a woman who did not love him in return. Still, he'd saved her, valiantly fighting off guards and even the Sheriff himself. Guy, Marian and Allan had managed to escape through one of the secret exits, but it wasn't an ideal situation with so many guards, and the entire escape had earned Guy three serious arrow wounds to the chest and abdomen, and another deep gash to his arm. However, he'd bought Marian just enough time to steal two horses, and they escaped into Sherwood, quickly losing their pursuers amongst the trees.

Though he loved Djaq, Will wasn't sure he could ever forgive her for insisting on treating their enemy. Gisborne had been the end of so many people he cared about; not to mention, his rescue of Marian was for selfish reasons. Despite Marian's protests, Will didn't believe there was any good in Gisborne at all, and as far as he was concerned, the gang had just invited the fox into the henhouse...


End file.
